Hey, You Look Great! Not Really!

My high school reunion is coming up this summer. For your enjoyment and dose of reality, here’s an insight I posted on the online reunion page last September.

Let me save you all some time and needless suffering. Here’s how it will go.

The moment you decide to attend the reunion: “I have until August to lose XX pounds.”

October: “Hmm, not many trick-or-treaters this year. Well, don’t want all this to go to waste.” You gain 3 pounds.

November: “I had a salad last week. I’ll just have one more helping of lean turkey. With gravy. And stuffing. And yams on top. And what can I scoop all this with? Oh, this roll will do nicely. Better make it two. But three max, for sure. I have to save room for pie.” You gain 5 pounds.

December: “What a magical season, full of free calories! It comes once a year, and I’m gonna enjoy it.” You gain 10 pounds.

January 1: “Okay, I fluctuated a bit this fall. Time to get serious with my resolution.” You break your butt and lose 8 pounds. You’re still up net 10 pounds.

January 15: “Forget this getting up early crap. I still have until August.” Status quo.

February-March. “It’s too cold and dark to work out.” Super Bowl puts you up a couple, but you somehow manage to lose it. Not sure how. Maybe from shivering.

April: “Okay, time to get serious. ABOUT SPRING BREAK! YEAAAAAH!” You don’t put on weight per se, but your belly hangs over your belt just a touch further.

May: “I only have three months. Geez. Where does the time go?” To your credit, you actually get out and walk. You lose 3 pounds. You’re still up net 7.

June-July: “I’ve been doing good. Happy Birthday, America. Sure, I’ll have another hot dog. Just put it on my burger.” Through sweating and swimming, you’re down 5. Up net 2.

August 1: “I have a week and a half. I can totally lose a pound a day.” Hahahahahaha!

August 10: “Oh well. Hell with them. They get what they get. I’ll lose it for the next one.” Final weigh-in: exactly what you weighed on the day you first decided to attend the reunion.

August 11: “Hey! How are you! You look great! (Geez, look at how much weight everyone gained.) Where’s the buffet?”

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